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A Basic Guide to Weapons
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Chat with a Cop

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Fear


Because the title is so general, I want to give you a clue what this blog is about before I start getting into the background of my stories. My intention is to write about my experiences with anger, about how it is used to supplant fear. Most times people may not even realize what they are doing.

Those of you who know me know how hard headed and stubborn I can be. Funniest part about it, I don’t necessarily think those are negative characteristics. J  I do recognize there is a ‘downside’ to being hard-headed: Some ‘life lessons’ take a bit more work to sink in. For instance, fear. We’ve all felt fear; from the slight tingle of anticipatory fear of walking into a room filled with unknown people, to the full blown panic of watching a verbal altercation transition into a violent encounter.

Most everyone understand fear trips the flight or fight response: 1. Something ‘happens’.  As you identify the event a chemical reaction is taking place in your brain. 2. Blood is pulled from extremities and floods vital organs. In essence, your body is preparing you to stand your ground or run like hell. Of course, there is a third option which is a cop’s worst nightmare. You could freeze in place.

Law Enforcement Officers (LEO’s) will tell you fear is healthy. It keeps you on your toes and reminds you to think before you act. A lack of fear, well, that could be a failure to read events properly or the individual has absolutely no sense of self preservation. So in truth the only issue with fear is if it overwhelms and becomes crippling.

This past July, I was fortunate enough to teach a class for Romance Writers of America’s National Conference. The class, How Cops Cope: (Cop GMC), had me doing a lot of research, both internal and external, for the various Goals, Motivations and Conflict behind LEOs’ coping skills and mechanisms.  One of the coping mechanisms I talked about was the use of anger.

A therapist once told me anger is what a person uses when they don’t want to feel. It hides fear, doubt, and uncertainty. Intellectually, I understood what was being said but it really didn’t mesh with my life style nor did it apply to me. Of course not, I was a LEO and in full control of all of my emotions – (Pam, you can stop laughing any time now). Anyway, I believed when I was afraid I simply pushed that emotion aside and dealt with the job at hand. The thing is, up until the class in July, I never thought about what I used to supplant my fear. In truth, I wasn’t aware I felt fear.

Okay, okay I’ve stalled enough. No cop likes to talk about fear. Fear is healthy, but too much of it can be crippling. How do you decide to shut down and operate with only the healthy amount of fear? Most LEOs avoid the topic or the thought of fear like it’s last week’s overflowing poopy diaper. Fear is something everyone else experiences, not me. I would shake my head and sigh at the sadly delusional, out of touch with their feelings, uninformed and backward male who would spout such nonsense. Of course, me being much more enlightened, I believed I simply compartmentalized my fear. You know, boxed it up and pushed it aside so it wouldn’t distract me.

Well officially, I can tell you I, too, was one of those sadly delusional, out of touch, uninformed and backward (here’s where we do differ) Females. If you bear with me, I have to give you a little bit of back story - Once I entered the Sexual Predator Unit, I quickly became paranoid about who had any type of one on one contact with my child. When I was home, on injured status from work and unable to drive, I received a call from my son’s school. I was told it was an early out day and there was no school bus service for afternoon kindergarteners. I was asked when I would be picking my son up from school. At the time, my sister, who lived with me, was out of town because, although recovering from surgery, I was well enough to walk to the bus stop to meet my son.

I could not however, walk the seven miles to get to his school.

I vividly remember my reaction – immediately I lost my temper. Well, as I was remembering that long ago incident I had instant clarity of a few things. First my stomach was in knots, for me a sure sign of stress, and I felt as though I had a band tightening around the top part of my chest and throat. I was afraid and not just a little. I was damn near quaking in my boots. I realized, right at that moment as I reflected, I was as terrified for the safety of my son as I was all those years ago when I had received the call.

Here’s the kicker:  When the event was actually happening I hadn’t realized I had any fear. The only thing I remember was being angry.     

Not too long ago I had a conversation with an older LEO (Gabriel). He is long retired and is a true chauvinist. I understand he was raised in a different era and I usually make allowances for his statements. My line in the sand with him is when he makes unsupported assumptions about my various experiences on the job. One such statement was ‘well, if you’d ever been shot at you’d know the first emotion you felt as you tried to get out of harm’s way was fear.’

Well, his statement totally pissed me off. I have in fact been shot at and the anger of that memory (being shot at) fueled my anger at the current situation. Up to that time, I had never lost my temper with this Gabriel. I found it easier to walk away or simply tell him it was time for me to agree to disagree and move on to another topic. This time however, I totally lost my temper and chewed him out. I touched on a lot of things he’d said that ticked me off: His arrogance, chauvinism, and condescension to name a few. What really had me fuming was his statement that I obviously didn’t know what I was talking about, because fear over-ruled all other emotions.

You know those movies where the young, hardheaded rookie has to learn some hard won lessons from the older Butthead Veteran LEO? Well, I hate to admit it, but Gabriel was mostly right. When I was shot at my stomach did first knot up (once the confusion cleared) but I immediately blanketed my fear with anger (my coping mechanism). By getting angry, I had no room for fear. With my fear gone, or at least hidden, I was able to do my job. 

It wasn’t until I finished the class that I realized I had identified yet another of the many coping mechanisms I’ve used throughout my life and career in law enforcement. When I was on the phone with my son’s school my fear for his safety, coupled with my feelings of helplessness, made me even more verbally aggressive and threatening than usual (figure Mama Polar Bear on Steroids). All of these revelations had me looking back to those times when I became angry when I thought I should have been afraid instead. Yeppers, every single time I slid effortlessly from fear to anger and I got the job done.   

I’m not sure when, where or how I developed this particular coping mechanism but I would bet it started somewhere in my childhood.         

Do you have a scene where your LEO is being uncharacteristically aggressive? How can you use that to explain his past? His motivations? His fears? 

20 comments:

  1. Great blog post Margaret!!!

    I'm not writing a LEO at the moment, but this is useful information for any character in a protective role...

    Thanks for posting it!

    Lisa :)

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    1. Lisa, thank-you for voicing what I oft times forget. LEOs are not the only protectors out there. Thank-you for stopping by.

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  2. Great post, thank you! It's always interesting to see what's causing strong emotions like anger. What I love about your post is how hard it is even for the person experiencing the emotions to know what the underlying cause is.

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    1. Samantha, I find myself cutting book characters a lot more slack because I'm finally understanding some of their strong emotions. Yep, I'm hard headed like that. (big grin)

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  3. Thank you for all your LEO advice at ECWC last week about creating conflict. You helped me with my character and I was able to finally write the opening scene to my novel. I hope to see you next year with my finished manuscript.

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    1. JenniferK, I'm glad I could be of help. I thoroughly enjoy ECWC everyone there keeps me on my toes. Good Luck with your MS.

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  4. Hi Margaret,

    I was at your homicide investigation course last weekend and loved it. Your presentation was informative and entertaining. :)

    This post brings to mind my own fear reactions on a few different occasions. I went through a coup d'etat with several other teenagers when I was 17, and the violence outside brought out all kinds of reactions indoors - bickering, denial, anger, teen hormones in overdrive, etc.

    I hope to incorporate your insights into my current WIP. I understand the anger you described. When it's focused, it can pull a situation together and point a way forward. For me, fear has generally made me quiet and intense, thinking through and probably over-thinking - all the options. That is probably the other side of the same coin. But I can see how two characters with very different survival mechanisms/fear reactions could be in conflict with one another as they work to find solutions.

    Thanks so much!

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    1. Jen L., exacly. I am finding the more I understand some of my own motivations or reactions, if you will, during intense or stressful situations the more conflict my characters have. The bonus of that is getting to experience the situation through fresh eyes, even if they're fictional.

      Thank-you for attending the class and for posting here.

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  5. Wow, Margaret, this is fascinating from an LEO perspective! I've always thought of fear/anger in response to having manuscripts rejected, but of course those same emotions strike cops as well as writers.

    Supposedly the reason more women than men suffer from depression is because in earlier generations, girls learned it's not "nice" to show anger whereas in boys it was no big deal. Anger turned inward is a cause of depression (although not the clinical kind), and now you've got me wondering if that affects LEOs as well. Fascinating blog; thanks!

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    1. Laurie, LOL - I try not to discuss rejected MS in polite company.

      Your post does have me thinking, depression and cops. But that's stuff for another blog. (big smile)

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  6. Margaret! I met you in Seattle and we talked a few minutes about my current WIP and trying to find someone to talk to in the Sacramento area. I can't find your email address. I haven't forgotten to email you, my little guy had surgery last Thursday so it's been a busy few days. Can you email me at kashicaat@yahoo.com? I look forward to hearing from you when you get time!

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    1. Stephanie let me know if you received my email.

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  7. Margaret, I love it when LEO so generously allows us into the hearts and minds of a cop. Anger over fear? I would guess you have a whole lot to lose and you're not willing to give it up easily. Thank you for a great blog!

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    1. Donnell, I was speaking with a student and she said anger can be empowering. I stopped and thought about it and she's absolutely right. Every time I allowed my anger to supplant my fear it empowered me to do the job at hand.

      I thank-you for taking the time to swing by.

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  8. Margaret, thank you for another great post for digging down deep into our characters’ psyche as well as my own. Just add it to my tab, Dr. Taylor. ☺

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    1. Stephanee, (big grin) I thought we were going deep like in a submarine. But that is kinda scary me exploring emotions.

      Thanks for stopping by.

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  9. Great post, Margaret! It was very enlightening, not only for writing, but for anger in general. Gave me lots to think about! :)

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    1. Cassi, I love the type of discussions that spring from topics like this. Lots of food for thought.

      Thank-you for taking the time to comment.

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  10. Hi Margaret,
    As a mom, teacher, and ex-military, I faced situations that required immediate action. I don't remember being angry, but I sure do remember shaking after it was over.:)
    So are action and anger similar? It also my explains all the cussing in the military. Maybe the folks are acting angry to deal with their fear. They have every reason to be angry and fearful.

    I appreciate your insight as a LEO.

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    1. First I want to thank-you for your past service (in the military) and your current service (as a teacher). I had a discussion with a Psychiatrist regarding Military trauma vs. Law Enforcement trauma. She said the Military was repeated and sustained trauma while most times law enforcement could be distilled down to one event.

      So were you shaking from anger/fear or prolonged exposure to hyper awareness and activity to the point of fatigue?

      And cussing is a known stress reliever. (at least some studies say so ;-)

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